Wondrous life !

Its official now ! I am now sure that it isn't meant for me to be in a large public gathering, as now, i tried to be involved this time, with the proceedings of one. Its just the sheer magnitude of classification and distribution of people in groups that makes me wanting not to belong. Hard as i tried it just doesn't come easy to me.

Its a warm summer night, and i feel the beads of perspiration evaporating away, leaving me cool and in realisation yet again. Isn't this how life begins and ends, it makes you aware of yourself and then even by a whiff of wind, evaporated leaving you cooler than you were. I wonder if this is what makes people cold ?

My little dog is snug and sound asleep, i want to know what he thinks of his life, if he did. He sees everything , stays silent as he cannot speak. The floor must be cool for him to sleep like that, that calmness, that cool calmness. I respectfully thank the ceiling fan for what effect it produces in me, just like i am thankful for people who have the same kind of effect on me. How easy it is to fade away for the liquid drops of water even after those bonds of cohesion and adhesion.

They say that time is what you should control not the other way round, i can see the concept in action as the phone rang in the nearby room. Perhaps my neighbour's father didn't make it or maybe its just another call from the hospital, but i surmise that at 3 in the night it could be just the news that she dreaded.

I just had two rounds of cold ones and calmed her down earlier tonight in the party. We are good friends, her and me. I remember how i had a crush on her when she moved in and smiled at me. I thought , that is strange , how can a simple smile be so effective ? That is exactly what she needed from me. After a while we drifted apart as we just talked and didn't listen, but it didn't matter as long as both talked and knew that the other was just there, not trying to solve or anything. Most of the times its all that people ask for and they just might get offended when you do more than that. The party grew around me and then i spored away towards the farther corners of the hall. It was my farewell party, and i saw her standing there chatting away looking towards me for a rescue, i did that and thats how it started.

I don't hear any loud voices from her apartment, i guess its just another relative who came to know her fathers condition, he had a few weeks with us. On second thoughts it could be something serious, she doesn't cry out on hearing bad news, she just lingers on to the brink of breaking and then quickly retains her composure. I remember how that face looked when yesterday her father cringed with pain during another attack. But why don't i feel bad for her ? Why is this just an unfortunate turn of events to me ? Surely it isn't the futility of his previous condition.

It was then in those moments of pain and a couple of beers that brought it out from her. She didn't want me around anymore. I was well aware of what that feeling is, when you have to let go, and knowing that very well, i am quite sure that i relished that pain !! Should i ask her about that call ? She clearly asked me not to get involved. I decided to ask her not now but sometime later....maybe in a day, over the phone. I don't understand why i smiled then at her confession ?
I think it had two reasons, firstly thats what she needed for me to do and secondly i just found it easy even though i was attached.

The sky is crimson and birds have stated their rituals, i am too busy looking at myself to focus on the beautiful red flowers outside my window. why do i not feel the joy to belong ? why do i like the pain ? People always find me in jovial moods , i am truly happy and joyous at all those times but then when the personal moments of joy or sorrow arrive, i have the exact opposite reactions.

My eyes are dry, they been for a long while, as i am hungry for sleep i look around in absolute stillness to let the moment pass through me. Should i sleep away and let my dreams give me a closure, or should i remain sleepless and eventually put it behind me. I think sleeping now would be an escape, so i go out for a walk.

Have i forced myself to so much change that i virtually have left a natural reactionary ability in my old self ? maybe yes, just like these leafless trees have. I can see how the leaves embrace and leave the wooden arms. The morning dust from the brooms of sweepers cleaning the streets have me gazing at the diffused golden light. The whole place is lit up beautifully. Mothers waiting with their children for the bus, and the children rummaging through excuses to evade the same. All this is so beautiful, and full of "life". Why don't people sometime have the courage to just take a walk instead of sleeping away the fears and anxieties.

I sat on my favorite bench, and appreciate the cool morning breeze. My perspectives are so straight now, all i need to do is do the simple and beautiful, as beauty isn't deniable. I now know what i have to do. I have beauty around me, in people in nature in silence and in joys. My life is about to change and good ways and bad. I see young and old people walking around in the park everyday, each with different reasons to be here. I see the oldest couple on the block walking away and smiling on their way across to me, i wave at them.

The walks of elderly couples have this strange aura, which always tells you that life goes on and enduring is all that it asks. Its all so beautiful, that i am on the brink of smiling. With that smile i walk back home, and knocked at her door.

She is yet to answer......